look no pants
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
