I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
