my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
