i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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