i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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