so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
