you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
