running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
