The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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