I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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