The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
