Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
