hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
