Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
