So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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