Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I said "one day" and that day is not today
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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