nut hugger
She is in my trunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
