I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
