You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
