You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
