DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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