Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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