hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
