Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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