you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
