Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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