did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
