This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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