i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
