Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
