You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
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You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
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