I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
