Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
