she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
