Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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