I heard we made out
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
