The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
