bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
