I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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