If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
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I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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