i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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