How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
