I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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