During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
