just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
