It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
