dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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