i permit you to call me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
