you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
that may or may not have been my penis.
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