you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
