how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
