you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
