I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
