the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
