let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
