Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize