Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
