I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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