Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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